


i have loved, and i am not scared.

by sledgeroe



Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Falling In Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:40:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22162714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sledgeroe/pseuds/sledgeroe
Summary: Dick Winters ponders about love, death, and summer days in Austria.
Relationships: Lewis Nixon/Richard Winters
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	i have loved, and i am not scared.

They’re at a reunion, and Dick feels at home. There’s a tension there that will never go away, seeing these men’s faces. He sees them and is reminded of so many bad memories – of battles won with far too many casualties. There’s a hand at the small of his back, and Dick knows without turning around that it’s Lewis. He smiles small, barely enough to see, and is reminded  _ why  _ it feels like home. That despite the bloodshed and the nightmares, he found something worth fighting for.   
“You okay?” He whispers. Dick nods, and he means it.    
They find a table with Harry, and soon enough he’s left alone, Nix excusing himself to find any whiskey he can scrounge up. Dick watches him leave, and is stunned silent for a moment. He lets every thought possible circle him, content to just be as he is. Harry brings him out of his reverie, as he always did during those years, grounding him.   
He turns to his old friend, and is stunned for the second time that evening by just how much time has passed. He has the same face as he ever did, but this time dotted with wrinkles, possibly from smiling too much. His hair has thinned considerably and, while he still has a ginger kick to it, the greys are peaking through. 

“How’s Kitty?” He asks, knowing that however old they may grow and whatever distance forces themselves between them, Kitty will always be a good topic to start on. Harry tries to hide the joy on his face, but after all these years, Dick can still see the light in his eyes when he talks about her.

“She’s amazing, as always. She turned 48 last week, she wanted me to thank you for the card.” Dick smiles at this, and with the joy comes the slight pang of pain. The tremendous happiness he feels for his best friend’s life comes without resentment, only sadness. He misses Harry’s company through every hardship, and often finds himself wondering what silly wisdom he’d come up with, and wishing he could tell him, too. “Of course.”   
There’s a beat of silence between them, weighing up what they wish they could say, and what they can. Harry goes for, “You and Lewis still living close together?”    
The dread sets in, but Dick forces out the nocholonant self he’d been used to using in difficult conversations. “Yeah, we…” He stops, and in that moment, decides. Dick remembers the jump into Normandy, the bitter cold of Bastogne, the sweeping halls of Berchtesgaden. He remembers, too, how Harry was there for all of it. And so was Lewis.

His Lewis.   
The night before, Dick was woken up from a nightmare, sweat dripping onto the crisp linen of their hotel room. Between one moment and the next, Lew’s hand was rubbing up and down his back. He took him to the shower, made him a glass of water, and settled him back down to bed without a word, and Dick knew he was happy to do it. He slept tangled with him, Lew’s hand on his waist, stroking softly.    
Harry doesn’t say anything, just waits for him to continue.

Dick takes a breath, and says, “We live together.”    
Harry nods, as if it’s nothing of importance, so Dick barrels on.

“We… we always lived together. After the war, we moved in together in Boston and never left. We have a house in the suburbs with a cat called Minnie and I love him–,” Dick chokes on the last syllable and closes his eyes, feeling the tears threaten to break through. He can feel it too strong and lets go. He cries silently, not wishing to see Harry’s face. He wants to make it clear to him, he needs to.

“In the war, he was the only consistent thing getting me through training to V-E day. I think I must’ve fallen for him sometime after the first jump, when he rolled into Carentan on a  _ tank  _ all suave like we hadn’t just pulled off this massive invasion. I watched that bullet ping off his helmet later and I thought he was dead, I thought–. I checked him over and I knew he was fine, I knew he was. But the thought of me going through it without him was so unbearable that after, when we were back at camp I…. I pulled him aside and just cried. I don’t think he’d ever seen me like that, he was so freaked out.” Dick chuckled low at that and sniffed. He wrung his hands, a nervous habit, and kept his eyes down. “He didn’t know what to do, so he kissed me. It only lasted a second, I swear. But… I felt it for  _ weeks  _ after. That’s. That’s when it started. We knew it was wrong, we tried to stop, but we couldn’t. And after a while, we stopped holding back. We stole moments in foxholes in Bastogne and dirty cellars in Hagenau, and when we got to Austria…” 

_ Lake Zell was spread out in front of him, shining, beckoning like a lover. Dick, of course, obliged. Every morning he swam, pushing through, floating on the world’s great back, in this tiny town in Europe. He thought under different circumstances, a few weeks in Zell am See could be like a little slice of heaven. Just him and the water, floating through the abyss to nothing. _ _  
_ _ “Dick!”  _ _  
_ _ Just him and the water, and Lewis Nixon. _ _  
_ _ He used his voice as an excuse to get out, he supposed he’d have to at some time. He could feel his fingers shrivelling up. Lew threw a towel down at him from the dock when he stood up in the shallows, and he caught it with one hand, focusing first on his hair. He watched Lew’s eyes from the corner of his, travelling up and down his body, scarcely clad. Dick laughed lightly, “tonight maybe, Lew.” _ _  
_ _ Lew huffed, “maybe. You’re mean, Dick, there’s already a war on.” _ _  
_ _ He looked up at him. The sun shone to side of his sleep deprived face, and lit him up. There were slight bags under his eyes, and his clothes had been thrown on messily. Or he hadn’t changed out of them at all, Dick couldn’t tell. He was a mess, that they could both agree on. But from one side of his face shone the light of the sun, and from the other the green of the trees seem to surround him. He prided himself of being a well-seasoned traveller, but he swore he'd never seen a more beautiful sight than Lewis Nixon, half asleep, standing beside Lake Zell right then. Nix was rubbing his eyes, half a yawn spilling out his lips, when Dick said, “I love you.”  _ _  
_ _ He didn’t mean to say it aloud, but by the time it was out he didn’t really mind. _ _  
_ _ Nix stopped mid-yawn and stared down at him, lips parted slightly out of shock. He was frozen, save the careful breathing causing his chest to rise and fall.  _ _  
_ _ “Dick. You can’t say things like that when I can’t kiss you.” _

There was a ring on Dick’s finger. It was his father’s old wedding ring, and he was playing with it. He’d finished his story, and couldn’t bear to look up. He kept sliding it up and down, up and down. He didn’t want to see Harry’s disgusted face, someone he trusted so deeply. He pondered the thought of picking up his and Lew’s coats and leaving then, without so much as an extra word.

“I know.” Was all Harry said.

Dick let out a breath and slowly looked up, a look of confusion evident. He felt sick.   
“You– you what?”   
Harry smiled, pain in his eyes. “Dick.” He reached out and grabbed his hand. “I know now, and I knew then.”

Something– relief, or perhaps horror, flooded over him. Were they not careful enough?   
With his hand in Harry’s, he stared intently at him, urging him to explain.

“I don’t think you understand, Dick. I know you wanted it to be a secret, and I know that. But I was your best friend. I knew you and Nix were together back then, I just didn’t know how serious it was until now. And I want to tell you this from the bottom of my heart,” Harry paused, smiling once more, “I am so deeply happy for you.”


End file.
